Bro, your truck, it’s so big. It’s like one of those country singer trucks.
So I get that some people love big things. In America everything is larger. Supersize meals, triple venti mocha pumpkin spice lattes, 140″ television screens for a 1000 square foot apartment. The list goes on and on.
It’s not surprising that vehicles seem to constantly grow in size. Larger for most equals safer. Is that always true? Not really, but it doesn’t stop Johny from going over to Bobs big truck outlet and spending three times his yearly income on semi-reliable transportation. At least it looks cool…
Appearances are everything or so I am told. When it comes to trucks, appearances are paramount to good sales. Dodge picked up on that when they initially refreshed their Ram line of pickups. The new look was similar to a mini big rig. Large chrome grill, stepped hood line all that was missing was the vertical smoke stack exhausts. The baby semi truck was born and all other manufacturers rushed to catch up.
So many different customization styles exist each with a strong following. These days though, they all seem to equally coexist. The one trend which bothers me most…the bro truck.
What’s a bro truck? Typically it all begins with a small…idea. Yes, we’ll go with a small idea, with large goals. Usually wrought with wasted money and little actual utility added to the truck. Where do I begin?
Let’s begin with ten inch suspension lifts and 34″ tires on 24″ wheels, chromed at that. Oh, let me clarify, if it’s not a f250 and above or Ram/Chevy 2500 or higher you’re doing it wrong. Next on the list is the led light bar. Like everything else, the bigger the better. The more blinding it is to opposing traffic the better.
Next is a power programmer and deleting a multitude of emissions equipment. Who needs to breath clean air anyways…maybe children? You can’t conquer the urban trails unless you roll more coal than Robert Murray (I’ll wait while you google that name or click here I promise it’s not porn). I get that you want your truck to look like a 1960s 18 wheeler spewing particulate matter like it’s going out of style but, my clean air.
Don’t get me wrong I love diesel, it can be clean and very economical, but these few examples are making it hard to defend diesel from the Prius driving(always speeding excessively), tree hugging bunch. Anywho….
So let’s recap, suspension lift check, lack of emissions equipment check, large tire with low profile sidewall on huge chrome rims check, blinding led light bar, yep got it. What’s missing?
COWCATCHER FRONT BUMPER and an ever present 1/2″ tow hitch!
Whoa! I almost forgot what’s better for plowing through traffic when you’re too busy updating your Instagram with a new flat brim hat selfie? Two hundred pounds of front bumper, that’s what.
What really kills me, is that while some of these trucks do get dirty, most never leave the pavement. Ever. Why. If a Subaru driving, love everything, 20 something college coed gets her outback more dirty than your truck what does that say about you.
I’ll finish with something I overheard when a bro truck parked in front of the coffee shop I was at. The passenger falls out and says to the driver “brah, you need to get a bigger dick so you can get a smaller truck”.