Hoon, Kill, Collect: The thing that should not be (5 June 2017)

Its been another week and here we are! Regardless of the lack of comments we are committed to eventually getting people to argue and judge others over this. It’ll be pure covefefe!

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What’s it gonna be? A 1978 Subaru Brat, a 1978 El Camino and a 1978 Ford Ranchero.

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Hoon, Kill, Collect – May 29err 30th, 2017

Yesterday was Memorial Day and rightly so. Our great nation is built upon the sacrifice of great men and women who gave everything and more for freedom. In honor or Memorial Day I pushed our weekly column till Tuesday… and I can do that cause I’m the boss around here.

Speaking of freedom and America… I smell a theme coming on. ‘Merica

Which would you hoon, kill or collect… a 1919 Model T, a 1943 MB or a 1964.5 Mustang?

Hoon, Kill, Collect 22 May 17

Last week introduced you to our first daily feature called “Hoon, Kill, Collect” an automotive take on F**k, kill, marry.

While it wasn’t a big success we here at Soap Box Racer are mostly dedicated and without further adieu here is your second installment. Adieu… that’s French, I smell a theme coming on!

You choose!

Trucks, the bro kind. 

Bro trucks
Bro, your truck, it’s so big. It’s like one of those country singer trucks. 


So I get that some people love big things. In America everything is larger. Supersize meals, triple venti mocha pumpkin spice lattes, 140″ television screens for a 1000 square foot apartment. The list goes on and on. 


It’s not surprising that vehicles seem to constantly grow in size. Larger for most equals safer. Is that always true? Not really, but it doesn’t stop Johny from going over to Bobs big truck outlet and spending three times his yearly income on semi-reliable transportation. At least it looks cool…

Appearances are everything or so I am told. When it comes to trucks, appearances are paramount to good sales. Dodge picked up on that when they initially refreshed their Ram line of pickups. The new look was similar to a mini big rig. Large chrome grill, stepped hood line all that was missing was the vertical smoke stack exhausts. The baby semi truck was born and all other manufacturers rushed to catch up. 
So many different customization styles exist each with a strong following. These days though, they all seem to equally coexist. The one trend which bothers me most…the bro truck. 

What’s a bro truck? Typically it all begins with a small…idea. Yes, we’ll go with a small idea, with large goals. Usually wrought with wasted money and little actual utility added to the truck. Where do I begin? 

Let’s begin with ten inch suspension lifts and 34″ tires on 24″ wheels, chromed at that. Oh, let me clarify, if it’s not a f250 and above or Ram/Chevy 2500 or higher you’re doing it wrong. Next on the list is the led light bar. Like everything else, the bigger the better. The more blinding it is to opposing traffic the better.


Next is a power programmer and deleting a multitude of emissions equipment. Who needs to breath clean air anyways…maybe children? You can’t conquer the urban trails unless you roll more coal than Robert Murray (I’ll wait while you google that name or click here I promise it’s not porn). I get that you want your truck to look like a 1960s 18 wheeler spewing particulate matter like it’s going out of style but, my clean air. 


Don’t get me wrong I love diesel, it can be clean and very economical, but these few examples are making it hard to defend diesel from the Prius driving(always speeding excessively), tree hugging bunch. Anywho….
So let’s recap, suspension lift check, lack of emissions equipment check, large tire with low profile sidewall on huge chrome rims check, blinding led light bar, yep got it. What’s missing? 
COWCATCHER FRONT BUMPER and an ever present 1/2″ tow hitch!
Whoa! I almost forgot what’s better for plowing through traffic when you’re too busy updating your Instagram with a new flat brim hat selfie? Two hundred pounds of front bumper, that’s what. 
What really kills me, is that while some of these trucks do get dirty, most never leave the pavement. Ever. Why. If a Subaru driving, love everything, 20 something college coed gets her outback more dirty than your truck what does that say about you. 

I’ll finish with something I overheard when a bro truck parked in front of the coffee shop I was at. The passenger falls out and says to the driver “brah, you need to get a bigger dick so you can get a smaller truck”. 

F**k, Kill, Marry

 

If you’re an adult and live on planet earth there is a 67.667, repeating of course, chance you are aware of the game “Fuck, Kill, Marry.”

In the same vein of Cards Against Humanity, it is best played intoxicated and in large groups so that the revelations spouted from your foul, both figurative and literal, mouth are made aware to your friends… and their pets… and maybe their mother if your crowd is that rowdy. The premise is simple, the opposing party lists off three individuals. Said individuals are ugly, disgusting or horrible – maybe even a mix of all three – which you must then decide which one you will sleep with, you will kill and you mill marry.

For example, of the following three which one would you fuck, kill or marry:

Courtney Love, Lizzie Borden, Eva Braun

It never works out and often calls into question your moral ineptitude, but damn is it fun. But it doesn’t really count… ya know because you’re drunk.

I’d like to welcome you to our new Monday reoccurring feature: Hoon, Kill, Collect.

We give you three cars and you must choose which one you’d hoon, which one you’d destroy immediately and which one you are stuck with forever. Without further ado here is the first trio and I’ll make it easy. This time.

The Hamburger Pacer from Good Burger, a K-Car, The Stout Scarab

Comments… GO!

 

Do cars have spiritual successors?

Are cars alive? Do they have spiritually successors? When I was growing up I made a habit of gravitating toward the obscure. Well, more like I would gravitate toward things that my Dad and one brother didn’t like. It worked so well I ended up with a lifelong love of all things oddity, a concussion, and an eight-hour shift at a pretzel stand.

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Confused? Allow me to elaborate. It was the mid 90’s and as I’ve talked about before jelly bean was all the rage in the automotive design world. My Dad was a Pontiac guy so by law my brothers and I were as well. Now don’t get me wrong, I loved my 89 Grand Am and my 95 Bonneville but when something funky rolled out I was all about it. Enter the first-generation Hyundai Tiburon.

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Source: BodyKits.com

I still recall the commercials… “Tiburon, it’s something in another language for shark.”

Our local mall would host a rather large gala of local car dealerships, nestled in the heart of rural central PA, that would show off new cars they had in stock. This was my chance, I would get to sit in this funky little coupe and tout its awesome to all that would lend an ear. Being a Bonneville family I was unfamiliar with the concept of small cars. The last compact my family owned was my oldest brothers’ 78 VW Rabbit when I was 5 and I loved it. Why wouldn’t I love this?

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Because it gave me a fucking concussion.

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As I swung open the door that clearly resembled melted plastic I was eager to board. The roofline, however, had other ideas. I smacked my head right along mid ear hard into the roof. Why was I in such a hurry? Who knows. Being central PA there no one else but myself wanted to sit in this car, but still I was committed.

The concussion stayed with me till the closing of my shift at Bavarian, that’s the other pretzel stand. No amount of Advil granted reprieve and the American public granted no reprieve to the malformed Tiburon. A car that my father once claimed “looks like a tapered turd.” Yes, he was right but I still respected its funkiness even if it did give me a traumatic brain injury.

That isn’t what this post is about. I started by talking about spiritually successors. When I saw the first-gen Tiburon it seemed so familiar and alien at the same time. It didn’t hit me until today while browsing the Book of Faces. I follow a page called “Obscure Cars for Sale” and a great many followers of said page would kill me for this assessment. But the Hyundai Tiburon… it’s the spiritual successor to the AMC Javelin.

Honestly, besides the story there isn’t much to this article… but just look at the pictures and tell me I’m wrong. They are both ungainly and unnecessarily curvy in all the wrong places.

Hideously glorious. Two cars that represent both the height and rock bottom of design style in their age.

When Automotive Obscurity Goes Mainstream

I spent the better part of high school, college and my initial years in the military regarded as a nerd. And that’s just fine… it’s who I am. Honestly my love of cars was probably the only thing that kept me one foot out of full-fledged nerdom. My vast collection of old game systems, knowledge of video game history and ability to quote almost any movie kept my other foot in. And I loved it.

One thing I follow other than cars is movie news. That’s where this article comes in… the movie Cars. While browsing IGN.com I came across an article talking about the level of darkness attributed to Cars 3 its subsequent trailers. About half way down the page, however, I cam across this gem… concept art.

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Source: IGN.com

Now apart from the typical 40’s Ford coupe and 50’s Dodge pickup what do you think the car on the far left is? Some would argue it is a Packard and judging by the paint scheme they’re probably right. But the cars universe obeys no laws and it may just be a Tucker 48. Now We’ve seen this car in movies before, specifically a little film by Franky Ford Coppola called Tucker: The Man and His Dream.

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Source: Amazon.com

I’m not going to go into the history of Tucker but you should look it up. Suffice to say the Tucker ’48 had only 51 examples produced but its heart (engine) was in the right place. The back.

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Source: Wikipedia

Part of me wishes Hollywood loved obscure cars more, but would that be a double-edged sword? The wonderment of an obscure auto is that not many people know of it and when you discover it the joy is just tremendous. Jason Torchinsky, of Jalopnik fame and my personal hero, has pretty much made a living uncovering obscure cars and writing about them. More importantly he and his cult of followers have uncovered some of the most random and rare VW anomalies of the aircooled era.

I’m pleased that Hollywood embraces the Tucker time and again. I’m more pleased that obscure car culture hasn’t ballooned like the nerd revolution in the wake of The Big Bang Theories’ success. I like operating in the world of kitsch. Society stole my nerdom and that’s alright. I do have to try harder to convince people I knew about E.T. on the Atari and its second life in a landfill long before the pop culture documentary. But it does make cool t-shirts easier to find.

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Source: BringATrailer.com

Lord help them if they take my obscure autos.

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Source: Wikipedia